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:WAITING

(Birdman is on the studio monitor)

Birdman: I just don't know what to do, Tad. (sniff) I'm at the end of my rope.

Space Ghost: Uh, yeah, well...

Birdman: Everything was going so great, (sniff) and the Cartoon Network calls me up and says, "oh, sorry, Harvey, but we're passing on your late night show." Just like that, they clip my wings.

Space Ghost: Uh, look, Harvey, I really am sorry about your show, but--

Birdman: Sylvia's left me, you know, and so has Falcon 7. (sniff) Soon as they heard, the two of them just flew off, faster than you can say... "Biiiiirrrrddd Maaaa--" (coughs violently) (sniff)

Space Ghost: Yeah, wellll...

Birdman: Look, Tad, can I borrow some money?

Space Ghost: Uh... Sorry, Harvey, no can do.

Birdman: Please, Tad, my Hanna-Barbera royalties ran out.

Space Ghost: Look, Harv, why don't you call Frankenstein Jr.? The guy's got cash galore!

Birdman: I called Frankenstein Jr.

Space Ghost: Well, how about the Herculoids?

Birdman: Eh, eh, listen, I've called the Herculoids. They laughed at me, blobs and all.

Space Ghost: Llllook, I'm sorry, Harvey, but I have a show to do here.

Birdman: Sure, sure, rub it in. Thanks, pal. Thanks for nothin'. (fades from monitor)

Zorak: (tsk tsk tsk)

Space Ghost: What?! Like you were gonna lend him money?

(Opening theme & titles)

Announcer: Hello, and welcome to my nightmare! It's Space Ghost Coast to Coast! Tonight, performance artist Laurie Anderson, and percussion group Stomp. Plus, Zorak and the Original Way Outs. And now, here he is, he's behind the second set of double doors, after we go down this long hallway, my best friend, Seth Garden!

Space Ghost: (invisos in) Ahem! Bon soir, citizens and citizenettes! I am Space Ghost.

Zorak: The other white meat.

Space Ghost: What?

Zorak: Uh, nothin'.

Space Ghost: What is it with you anyways, Zorak?

Zorak: Eh, it's a mantis thing. You wouldn't understand.

Space Ghost: Darn right I wouldn't, my little chucklebug. But I do understand this: tonight we're going to experience yet another rip-roaring slab of quality talk show entertainment.

Moltar: (laughs)

Zorak: (laughs)

Space Ghost: (pause) Tonight my guests are performance artist and downtown musician type Laurie Anderson, and noise-happy avant garde percussion group Stump, uh, Stomp. (to himself) Eh, sounds artsy-fartsy.

Zorak: (in beatnik getup) Cool!

Space Ghost: Cool, nothing! Art and TV don't mix, everybody knows that! If people wanted to see art on TV, they'd, they'd say, "hey, y'know, I wanna see art on TV!"

Zorak: Space Ghost...

Space Ghost: That's what they'd say...

Zorak: The desk. Remember.

Space Ghost: I know where the desk is!

Zorak: (plays Space Ghost to the desk, with some electronic pop music)

Space Ghost: (invisos to desk) Um, okay, I'm ready, let's do it.

Moltar: (throws lever)

(Monitor lowers with Laurie)

Space Ghost: Look, everyone, it's Laurie Anderson, the art freak! A real life artistic type, right here on TV. Welcome, citizen Anderson, are you getting enough oxygen?

Laurie Anderson: Not at the moment, no, are you?

Space Ghost: (laughs) Eh, am I getting enough oxygen! (laughs) Did you hear that, Moltar? (laughs)

Moltar: (laughs) I heard. Here's your air, lady. (throws a lever)

Space Ghost: Sooo, Laurie, I hear you're an artist. Sounds difficult.

Laurie Anderson: It's hard to be an artist, don't you think?

Space Ghost: Uh, yeah, I guess so. (quietly) Uh, look, Laurie, for the sake of my ratings, would you please try not to actually do any art, on the show tonight?

Laurie Anderson: Okay.

Space Ghost: Whew! Great! As an "artiste", you must watch a lot of quality television, like, uh, my show, for instance!

Laurie Anderson: Hmm?

Space Ghost: You know, the boob tube!

Laurie Anderson: You know, I, I absolutely never watch television.

Space Ghost: Oh, you're one of those, are ya? (mocking) "Let's stay home and read."

Laurie Anderson: What's 'at?

Space Ghost: I said that, it says here that you work with computers a lot. Y'know, I bought a computer once. It tried to kill me.

Laurie Anderson: I have eleven computers.

Space Ghost: Eleven! That's like--

Zorak: It's like, one louder than ten.

Space Ghost: One more than ten, would be the thing, what's "louder" got to do with it?

Laurie Anderson: I have a lot of equipment, I probably have, um, a hundred, remote controls.

Space Ghost: Get out! That's way more than eleven!

Laurie Anderson: I have a lot.

Space Ghost: Jeez! All right, you win! Emasculator!

Zorak: Space Ghost! You know a big word?

Space Ghost: What, eleven?

Laurie Anderson: Now, I can obviously ask you questions too, right?

Space Ghost: Okay.

Laurie Anderson: Okay

Space Ghost: Sure.

Laurie Anderson: What's your favorite ice cream?

Space Ghost: I like cake.

Laurie Anderson: What's your favorite city?

Space Ghost: I like cake.

Laurie Anderson: What's your favorite organ?

Space Ghost: I like -- Ummmm, uh, Zorak, what do you think?

Zorak: Well, this is the Gold Key XG5 3000.

Space Ghost: With the sampler thingie, right?

Zorak: Yyyes, just listen! (plays "Jingle Bells" with Zorak's sampled voice saying "Die!")

Space Ghost: Pretty fancy, eh, Laurie?

Laurie Anderson: Yeah, that's not bad.

Space Ghost: Any more questions, Laurie?

Laurie Anderson: You on-line?

Space Ghost: I like cake.

Laurie Anderson: That's the thing I like most about being on-line, it's invisibility.

Space Ghost: Yah, I can do that. (invisos out)

Laurie Anderson: Oops, where'd you go? (laughs) Hey! He's gone again, so alone here.

Moltar: For good, I hope.

Zorak: Hey, Laurie! Moltar & I are on-line. We talked to Larry Storch in a chat room once.

Laurie Anderson: Good, okay, good.

Zorak: My on-screen name is "lonemantisoftheapocalypse@ghostplanet.com"

Moltar: My on-screen name is "hotboy@.." somethin' somethin'.

Zorak: Settle a bet for us; who created cyberspace? Al Gore or Sega!

Laurie Anderson: It's not Al Gore!

Moltar: Ahhh, nuts!

Laurie Anderson: Richard Milhous Nixon.

Moltar: No!!

Zorak: No way!

Laurie Anderson: He was the guy to cut the, you know, took the country off the gold standard. So after that, then money was abstract, it was nothing, it was like, it was just numbers...

Space Ghost: (invisos in) Behold! (invisos back out again)

Laurie Anderson: ... and once it becomes so completely ethereal, then it can be anything, then you can have, like, the 80's happen, y'know, which it did, like, right away. But, you know, that, it was that, those were, that was the first, um, thing that, I think, the, uh, invention of cyberspace was really about those banks...

Space Ghost: (invisos in, then yawns) Behold! (flies off into space)

Laurie Anderson: ... So, I think if it was a leap of faith for people to put their money in there, and think that it was doing, going somewhere, you know?

Zorak: I don't know.

Laurie Anderson: You agree?

Space Ghost: (from out in space) Sure it's free!

Moltar: (to Space Ghost on control room monitor) Laurie's still down here, are you done?

Space Ghost: With what?

Moltar: The interview?

Space Ghost: I'm out here!

Moltar: Yeah, I know, I got you on the monitor. Uh, shall we go to break, or what? Break?

Space Ghost: Oh. (pause) Hey! Anybody need saving out here?

Voice: No, no, I think I'm okay. (long pause) Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.

(Ghost Planet Industries building bumper)

(Ghost Planet Industries building bumper)

Space Ghost: (on control room monitor, to Moltar) Is she gone?

Moltar: Yeah.

Space Ghost: (bounds back to his desk) (sighs) Okay now! We're going to talk with several members of Team Stomp. And, they're going to perform for us afterwards?

Moltar: Yeah.

Space Ghost: This better not be anything like that Anderson--

Moltar: (throws lever, sends Chad to the studio monitor)

Chad Kukahiko: Hi, I'm Chad--

Space Ghost: Chad!? My evil lunatic twin brother?!

Chad Kukahiko: (grins back silently)

Space Ghost: You grew a pony tail!

Chad Kukahiko: Uh, yeah, why not?

Zorak: (looks on)

Moltar: (looks on)

Space Ghost: (nervous laugh) Oh, sorry, I thought, I thought you were my Chad. So, you're...

Chad Kukahiko: I am Chad Kukahiko, member of Stomp, and alien.

Space Ghost: So, why is your group called Stomp?

Chad Kukahiko: Um, because what we do more often than anything else, is just smack things, and, stomp on things, it's a onomatopoeia. You can look that up in a dictionary, if you don't know what that means, but it's sort of--

Space Ghost: (blasts him off the monitor) (sighs) It was bound to happen once today. Moltar!

Moltar: (throws lever, sends Ameenah to the studio monitor)

Space Ghost: Greetings, citizen...

Ameenah Kaplan: Thank you.

Space Ghost: ... please identify yourself to the universe.

Ameenah Kaplan: I am Ameenah Kaplan.

Space Ghost: Have you ever been in space before?

Ameenah Kaplan: Uh, no, not, not that I can recall. I mean, perhaps in my sleep, the aliens, they come, whatever, but not that I can recall.

Space Ghost: (scoots closer) So, can you explain to me why you are called Stomp?

Ameenah Kaplan: Because we stomp on the ground with our... feet.

Space Ghost: (pause) (with sarcasm) Hey, I get it now! They stomp on the ground with their feet! And, people pay to see that?

Ameenah Kaplan: Yes.

Space Ghost: So, what superpowers do you have?

Ameenah Kaplan: My superpowers? I have, I can... (shakes her head) None. I was gonna lie...

Zorak: Well, good for you!

Ameenah Kaplan: No, I was gonna lie, you see, but, you know, I decided just to tell the truth.

Zorak: Ewwgh! Suck-up!

Space Ghost: So, what role do you play in Stomp?

Ameenah Kaplan: Uh, I hit things really hard--

Space Ghost: Could you give us a sample of what you'll all be doing for us later?

Ameenah Kaplan: You mean, like a circus animal, like, just to start performing?

Space Ghost: Yes, exactly like a circus animal.

Ameenah Kaplan: You have some balls I can juggle and stand on one foot?

Space Ghost: You bet. Ladies and gentlemen, Mitzi, the Dancing Elephant!

(Stomp performs on the studio monitor)

Space Ghost: Matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox... Matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, matchbox, eh... (pause) This is boring. (pause) Is this all they do?

Moltar: That's about the extent of it, yeah.

Space Ghost: (sighs) I'm goin' back out.

Moltar: Well, you want me to shut everything off when we're done?

Space Ghost: (yawning) Uh huh, shut everything off when you're done.

Zorak: Should we try to escape when you're gone?

Space Ghost: Huh?

Zorak: Me and Moltar, him and me, should we, try to escape?

Space Ghost: Oh, uh... No, don't escape.

Moltar: Where're you goin', anyway?

Space Ghost: Hold on... (Stomp finishes their number) Are they done?

Moltar: Ummm... uh... (they start performing another number) No.

Space Ghost: (sighs) I'm goin' back out.

Moltar: Should I... roll the credits?

(Credits roll)

(Voiceover with Stomp still playing in background)

Space Ghost: Yeah, what the hey.

Moltar: Yeah, I, I already did it.

Space Ghost: Oh, um... good job.

Moltar: Where're you goin', anyway? Can I ask that, or is it personal?

Space Ghost: Oh, I don't know. Out there. Somewhere.

Moltar: Anywhere near a video store?

Space Ghost: Maybe.

Moltar: Could you return something for me? If I gave it to you?

Space Ghost: Sure! Hey, uh, you want I should bring something back?

Zorak: Yeah, "The Spawning", get "The Spawning"!

Space Ghost: I'm not gonna get "The Spawning". What is the one, yeah, you know, the one with the three guys and the baby?

Zorak: No! Don't get that!

Moltar: No! Do NOT get that!

Space Ghost: Euhhhhhh... Gutenberg..

Zorak: No!

Moltar: No!

© 1996 Cartoon Network, Inc. All rights reserved.
Animated Characters TM & © 1966 Hanna Barbera Productions, Inc.
All Rights reserved.

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