A MAROON CARTOON
                             In color

                   BABY HERMAN and ROGER RABBIT
                               in

                         SOMETHIN'S COOKIN'

B. Herman:
Brrh Brrh brrh brgh.

Lady:
Mummy's going to the beauty parlour darling. But I'm leaving 
you with your favorite friend Roger. He's going to take very 
very good care of you. Because if he doesn't, he's going back 
to the science lab!

Roger: 
Plplpllllease! Don't worry. What ever you say! Yes ma'am. Aye 
aye sir. Oke dokey. Why, I'll take care of him like he was my 
own brother. Or my own sister. Ow! Or my brother's sister. Or 
my second cousin who was twice removed.

B. Herman:
Brbrll bobl Cookie!

Roger:
Or a nice cousin who is nine times removed from his place off 
side.Or like a sixteenth cousin...

B. Herman:
[Escapes from cot]
Aaaaaaah!

Roger:
...who was sixteen times removed from my mother's side. Or a 
32nd cousin who was 37...

Baby Herman lands in front of the fridge and looks up at the 
fridge where the cookie jar is. 

B. Herman:
Cookie!

Roger:
...times removed from his fathers side who was eleven...Or 
like my 17th cousin who was 156 times removed, from any side!

Sees Baby Herman climbing up some open drawers 

Roger:
Aaaaaaaaahhh!

Baby Herman is crawling across the hob turning on the burners
as he goes narrowly avoiding them.

B. Herman:
I'll save you baby!

B. Herman:
Cookie!

Baby Herman knocks a rolling pin on to the floor.

Roger:
Don't burn yourself baby Herman. 

Rushes into kitchen and slips on rolling pin. 

Roger: 
Wow! Wub wub wub wub wub woooooaaah! Waaaaaahhoooowow!
Waaaaaaah!

As he rolls past Baby Herman he kicks a Teapot onto Roger's head

Roger:
Who turned out the lights? Boy, it's dark in here. Don't 
they pay the electricity?  What happened?

Not seeing where he is going he rolls into the oven which Baby 
Herman turns up to Volcano heat.

Roger:
Where are you baby? Where are ya?

Baby Herman crawls across some plates in the sink.

B. Herman:
Cookie! Ahhhh! Brblblblbl. Aha!

Baby Herman's face slips under the water but he lifts it up and 
accidentally turns on the tap and water starts spilling onto the 
floor. The soap also falls down to the floor. The oven sign turns 
to well done and Roger bursts out trailing smoke.

Roger:
Oooh! Ooh! Ow! Owwwwww! Owwwwwwwwww! 

He slips on the soap and shoots into the air and the soap flies 
across the kitchen and riccochets of the door handle and hits 
the baby flinging him up to the clock pendulum. Roger falls 
back and slides across the kitchen and ends up with his fingers
in the power supply and is zapped by electricity. In trying to
escape he headbutts the wall wiyh the teapot and disloges a shelf
and all the pots and pans fall on his head. As he lies there a 
bottle of chilli sauce falls into the spout of the teapot.

B. Herman:
[From the clock]
Cookie.

Roger, with his head on fire shoots across the kitchen and ends
up with an ironing board in his mouth which folds up into the 
wall. Baby Herman swings from the clock to a shelf which falls 
down and a box on the shelf falls catapulting a box of knives 
through the air. Baby Herman lands on a plunger and bounces up
to the fridge. The plunger flies through  the air and lodges 
itself in a toaster which then falls over. Roger bursts out of 
the fold up ironing board.

Roger:
I'm here BabaaaaaRRGGGHHH!

Roger sees the knives flying towards him which lodge themselves
in the wall around him. One parts his hair and a meatcleaver hits
the wall between his legs. The toaster then fires the plunger at
Roger and sticks to his face. As he struggles to get it off he
ends up flying across the kitchen and removes it in mid air. His
momentary pleasure is forgotten as he crashes into the suc-o-matic
which then begins to pump him full of air. When he looks more like
a baloon he starts to deflate, flying around the kitchen breaking
crockery and eventually hitting the fridge, lodging his head 
underneath. As he struggles to get free he dislodges Baby Herman
who falls from the top of the fridge with his cookie. Roger lifts
the fridge of his head and seeing that Baby Herman is safe holds
him in his hands.

B. Herman:
Cookie. Ah!

Roger suddenly realises there is an unsupported fridge above his 
head which crashes back to earth. The fridge door opens to reveal
Roger with birds flying round his head.

Raoul:
Cut!

Background:
Alright. That's it cut.

Raoul:
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! 
[Throws script on floor]

B. Herman:
What the hell was wrong with that take?

Raoul:
Nothing with you Baby Herman. You were great. You were perfect. You 
were better than perfect. It's Roger. He keeps blowing his lines. 
Roger... [Grabs bird] ...what's this?

Roger:
A tweeting bird?

Raoul:
A tweeting bird! 
[Throws bird to the floor] 
Roger read the script. Look what it says. It says "Rabbit takes clunk. 
Rabbit sees stars." Not birds- STARS! Can we lose the playback please? 
You're killing me! Killing me.

B. Herman:
[Stomping off] 
For crying out loud Roger! Like how many times do we have to do this damn 
scene? Raoul! I'll be in my trailer! Taking a nap!

Lady:
Oooh!

B. Herman:
'Scuse me toots.

Raoul:
My stomach can't take this. This set is a mess! Clean this set up. And get
him out of there. Or seal him up in it. Loose the lights. And say lunch.

Background:
LUNCH!

Raoul:
That's lunch. Run ahead.

Roger climbs out of refrigerator and follows Raoul off set.

Roger:
Pplpllllease Raoul. I can give you stars. Just drop the refrigerator on my 
head one more time.

Raoul:
Roger! I've dropped that on your head 23 times already.

Roger:
I can take it though. Worry about me.

Raoul:
I'm not worried about you I'm worried about the refrigerator.

Roger:
I can give you stars.
[Grabs frying pan off a passing trolley] 
Look. (Bang) Look! (Bang) Loook! (Bang) (Bang) Plplllease Raoul. I can do it
I swear. Just give me another chance. Well come on Raoul...

Standing watching all of this is Eddie Valiant.

Valiant:
Phhh. Toons.

He takes a swig from a bottle and puts it back in a holster on his belt.

Roger:
...just give me another chance. Look. Watch Raoul. Watch Raoul. 
Plplplllease, you gotta give me another chance. Come on Raoul!

A lady opens some double doors and shows Valiant into Maroon's office.

Secretary:
Mr Maroon, Mr Valiant's here to...

R.K. Maroon is watching a piece of film playing through a moviola and
he waves his hand at the woman.

Secretary:
He'll be right with you.

Maroon:
No, no, no! Wait untill he gets to his feet, -then- hit him with 
the boulder.

Editor:
Right on it.

The editor wheels the machine away and Maroon turns to Valiant.

Maroon:
How much do you know about show business Mr Valiant?

Valiant:
Only there's no business like it. No business I know.

Maroon:
Yeah, and there's no business more expensive. I'm 25 grand over
budget on the latest Baby Herman cartoon. You saw the rabbit
blowing his lines. He can't keep his mind on his work. You know why?

Valiant:
One too many refrigerators dropped on his head?

Maroon:
Nah! He's a toon. You can drop anything you want on his head, he'll 
shake it off. But break his heart, he goes to pieces just like you
or me. Read that.
[Hands Valiant a newspaper]

Valiant: 
[Reading aloud] 
'Seen cooing over Calamari with not so new sugar-daddy was Jessica Rabbit, 
wife of Maroon cartoon star Roger.' What's this gotta do with me? 
[Hands paper back.]

Maroon:
You're the private detective, you figure it out.

Valiant:
Look, I don't have time for this.

Maroon:
Look Valiant! His wife's poison but he thinks she's Betty  Crocker. I want
you to follow her. Get me a couple of nice juicy pictures I can wise the 
rabbit up with.

Valiant:
Forget it. I don't work Toontown.

Maroon:
What's wrong with Toontown? Every Joe loves Toontown.

Valiant:
Well get Joe to do the job, 'cause I aint going.

Maroon:
Whoah fella! You don't want to go to Toontown, you don't have to go to 
Toontown. Nobody said you had to go to Toontown anyway. 
[Forcing Valiant into a seat] 
Have a seat Valiant. The rabbit's wife sings at a joint called the Ink 
and Paint Club. Toon review. Strictly humans only. O.K.? So what do you 
think Valiant?

Valiant is more interested in the drinks cabinet.

Maroon:
...Well?

Valiant:
[Getting up to make himself a drink]
The job's gonna cost you a hundred bucks, plus expenses.

Maroon: 
A hundred bucks! That's ridiculous.

Valiant:
So's the job!

Maroon:
Alright, alright. You've got your hundred bucks. Have a drink Eddie.

Valiant:
I don't mind if I do. 
[Looks out of the window]

Background:
Look I've got it. Careful Dave. I've got it. Dave, you're gonna drop 
it. I'm not gonna drop it! You're dropping it! 

Some workmen drop some large wooden boxes releasing some toon 
instruments which begin to play. As Valiant watches a pair of 
eyes suddenly appear at the window. (Screech!)

Valiant:
Aaah!

Maroon:
Kind of jumpy aren't you Valiant? It's just Dumbo.

Valiant:
[Getting up from beneath the drinks cabinet and taking the check off of Maroon] 
I know who it is.

Maroon:
I got him on loan from Disney. Him and half the cast of 
Fantasia. [Opens blinds] Best part is... they work for peanuts!

Marron throws a handful of peanuts out of the window and Dumbo flies off 
sucking them up with his trunk.

Valiant:
Well I don't work for peanuts. Where's the other fifty?

Maroon:
Let's call the other fifty a carrot to finish the job.

Valiant:
You've been hanging around rabbits too long.             

Valiant leaves the studio passing an ostrich and a frog on the stairs. 
Valiant looks to his right where a sax player is playing to some brooms
sweeping by themselves. From behind them emerges a stork on a bike, 
apparently a postman, and as he rides by he begins to lose his balance 
and crashes sending letters everywhere. As he reaches the bottom of the
steps a hippo bumps into him.

Hippo:
Oh! Excuse me. 

Valiant walks past a group of cows practicing their lines.

Cows:
Moo. Moo! Moo? Moo...

The hippo sits on a bench next to a workman and the bench promptly
collapses, catapulting the man into the sky.

Hippo:
Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so embarassed.

Valiant crosses the road and tries to catch a tram. He shows the conductor
the check Maroon gave him.

Conductor:
What do I look like? A bank?

Valiant waits for the tram to go past him and then swings himself onto the
back, where two other kids are sitting. Another kid comes running after them.

Kid:
Wait for me. 

Kids:
Come on! Hurry up!

Kid:
Hey Mister. Aint you got a car?

Valiant:
Who needs a car in L.A.? We've got the best public transportation system 
in the world.

Valiant gets off outside his office. Across the road the sign above the 
tram station :THE WORLDS BEST PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM is being 
replaced by that of Clover Leaf Industries.

Kids:
See you later.

Valiant:
Thanks for the ciggarettes.

Kids:
You bet. You got it.

Postman:
Hi Eddie. How's it going?

Valiant:
O.K. What you got for me?

Postman:
The usual bills.

Valiant throws the bills in the bin and crosses the road to the  
Terminal Station Bar.

Valiant:
Harry. You O.K.? 

Valiant passes a tram driver unconcious at one of the tables. He 
puts his hat, which had fallen off, back on his head and makes his 
way to the bar.

Valiant:
What's with Earl?

The man he is asking is mute and writes his answer on a pad of paper.

Augie: 
'LAID OFF.'
    
Valiant:
...Laid off!

Soldier:
A new outfit bought the red car. Some big company called Clover Leaf.

Valiant:
No kidding! They bought the red car?

Soldier:
Yeah. Put the poor guy on two weeks notice. Cut backs they said.

Valiant:
Oh well. Heres to the pencil pushers. May they all get lead poisoning, huh?

Before Valiant can put the glass to his lips a womans hand covers it. He looks up.

Dolores:
Tomorrow's Friday Eddie. You know what happens here on Friday?

Valiant:
Fish Special?

Dolores:
[Taking the drink away from him]
No... My boss checks the books on Friday and if I don't have that money I 
gave you back in the till I'm gonna lose my job.

Valiant:
Don't bust a button Dolores, you've only got one left. 
[He shows her the check with a big smile on his face.]

Dolores:
Fifty bucks! ...Where's the rest?

Valiant:
[Looking hurt] 
Well, it's only a snoop job away. Have you got that camera of yours? 
Mines in the shop.

Dolores: 
Wouldn't be the pawn shop by any chance would it?

Valiant: 
Look. Come on Dolores. You need the other fifty, I need the camera. 

Dolores gets the camera from behind the till and puts it in front of Valiant.

Valiant: 
Any film in there?

Dolores: 
Should be. Haven't had that roll developed since our trip to Catalina. 
Sure was a long time ago.

Valiant: 
Yeah, it was a long time ago. We'll have to do that again sometime.

Dolores:
[Holding down the crockery as a tram drives past, shaking the building]
Yeah, sure Eddie. Paper even good?

Valiant: 
Just check the scrawl.

Dolores:
R. K. Maroon? As in Maroon cartoons?

Angelo: 
Maroon cartoons? Hey! So who's your client Mr Detective to the stars? 
Chilly Willy? Or Screwy Squirell? Heh, heh, heh.

Dolores: 
What do you want to drink?

Angelo:
I'll take a beer Dol. So what happened, huh? Someone kidnap Dinky Doodle?

Dolores:
Cut it out Angelo.

Angelo:
[Cracking boiled egg]
Hey. Wait a minute, wait a minute! I know. You're working for little Bo
Peep. She's lost her sheep and your gonna help her find him! Hey? 
Heh, heh, heh. Ha, ha, ha! 

Valiant, his patience run out, kicks the stool from under Angelo who
falls on his jaw on the edge of the bar.

Angelo:
...Ungh!

Valiant:
Get this straight meatball. I... Don't... Work... For toons.

Valiant stuffs the boiled egg into Angelo's mouth and stomps out of the bar.

Angelo:
[Looking at the dissapearing Valiant]
So what's his problem?

Dolores:
Toon killed his brother.

Background:
What? Huh?

Dolores:
Dropped a piano on his head.

Valiant walks down a gloomy alleyway and knocks on a door. A hatch slides 
open and a bloodshot eye appears in the hole.

Gorilla:
Got the password?

Valiant:
Walt sent me. 
[The hatch slides open and after a moments delay the door slowly creaks 
open. Behind the door hulks the massive body of a gorrila in a suit] 
Nice monkey suit.

Gorilla:
Wise ass.

Valiant walks down a short corridor towards a door behind which can be 
heard the sound of a piano playing. As Valiant opens the door there is
an explosion of sound of piano playing. On a stage opposite Donald and 
Daffy Duck are playing a duet. Watching this are numerous people seated 
round small tables and being served by toon penguins. At the bar an 
octopus is serving several customers at once.

Donald:
Quaack, quaack. Cut it out!

Daffy:
Does anybody understand what this duck is saying? I've worked with a lot 
of wise quackers, but you are desphicable!

Donald:
Darn son of a guaack, quaack!

Daffy:
This is the last time I work with someone with a sphpheech impediment!

Donald:
Oh yeah! 

Donald grabs Daffy, throws him into the piano and slams it shut on him,
leaving only his beak sticking out.

Daffy:
This means war.

As Valiant stands watching all of this a bald man squirts ink on 
Valiant's shirt with a pen.

Marvin: 
Ha, ha, ha!

Valiant: 
You think that's funny?

Marvin: 
It's a panic!

Valiant: 
[Grabbing him] 
You wont think it's funny when I stick that pen up your nose!

Marvin: 
Now calm down son, will ya. Look, the stains gone. It's dissappearing 
ink. No hard feelings I hope? Look, I'm...

Valiant: 
I know who you are. Marvin Acme. The guy that owns Toontown. The Gag King.

Marvin: 
If it's Acme, it's gasser! Put it there pal. (Zzzzt) The hand buzzer! 
Still our biggest seller! Ha, ha, ha.

Totally unamused sits down and a penguin comes up to take his order. 
Valiant slams the menu back on the tray without looking at it.

Valiant:
Scotch on the rocks. ...And I mean ice!

Donald is playing both piano's at once.

Donald: 
This is hot stuff.

Daffy takes over and behind him appears a devilish Donald who 
nearly blows Daffy's head of with a cannon.

Daffy: 
Hoo hoo hoo!

Two hooks appear from either side of the stage and pull the ducks 
off the stage to the applause of the audience.

Marvin:
Hey, those ducks are funny! They, they never get to finish the act! 
Ha, ha, ha.

Valiant: 
Right. 
[Penguin gives Valiant his drink] 
Thanks... 
[Finds stones in it]
...Toons!

Betty:
Cigars! Cigarettes! Eddie Valiant!

Valiant:
Betty?

Betty:
Long time no see!

Valiant:
What you doing here?

Betty:
Work's been kinda slow since cartoons went to colour. But I still got 
it Eddie. Boo boo bedoo. Boop!

Valiant: 
Yeah, you still got it. 

There is a growing commotion behind Valiant. He turns to indicate 
Acme who is gesticulating towards the stage.

Valiant:
What's with him?

Betty:
Mr. Acme never misses a night when Jessica performs.

Valiant:
Got a thing for rabbits, huh?

The room goes suddenly quiet and the silence is broken when a huskily 
voiced woman begins to sing. As she appears from behind the curtains 
the men go wild.

Why Don't You Do Right?  [ Top ]

Jessica:
           'You had plenty money 1922,
           You let all the women make a fool of you,
           Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
           Get out of here, get me some money too.

Valiant: 
[Unable to take his eyes away from Jessica]
She's married to Roger Rabbit?

Betty: 
Yeah. What a lucky goirl.

Jessica:
           Now if you had prepared twenty years ago.
           You wouldn't be awandring now from door to door.
           Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
           Get out of here, get me some money too.
           Get out of here, get me some money too.
           Why don't you do right, like some other men... doooo?
           (Applause)

Valiant follows Marvin to Jessica's room.

(Knock)

Jessica:
Who is it?

Marvin:
Jessica dear, have no fear, your Marvin is here!

The door closes behind him, muffling his words. Valiant tries 
to peer through the keyhole.

Marvin: 
You sure murdered 'em again tonight baby. I really mean it. 
My darling, you were superb. You absolutely, truely and honestly 
fashmolyed that audience. You killed them. You slayed them. You 
belted them into little pieces...

A large shadow casts itself over Valiants back and a large hand
taps him roughly on the shoulder.

Gorilla:
What do think you're doing, chump?

Valiant:
Who you calling a chump, chimp?

The gorrila throws Valiant out of the door.

Valiant:
Aaaarrrggghh!

Gorilla:
And don't let me catch your peeping face around here again. Got it!

Valiant:
Ooga booga!

Valiant dust himself off and is about to leave when he hears 
Jessica and Marvin talking through one of the nearby windows. 
He pulls up a box and peers through a gap in the curtains.

Marvin:
Come my dear Jessica. I'm over here. I've got everything you 
need, right here, on the bed.

Jessica: 
Oh, not tonight Marvin. I have a headache.

Marvin: 
But Jessica! You promised.

Jessica: 
Oh... alright. But this time take off that hand buzzer.

Marvin: 
Patty cake! Patty cake! Patty cake, patty cake...

Jessica: 
Oh!

Marvin: 
Patty cake, patty cake...

Jessica: 
Oh Marvin!

Valiant: 
You've gotta be kidding me!

Maroons Office and Roger is rattling the blinds.

Roger:
Patty cake! Patty cake! Ahah! I don't believe it! Ahah haa hah!
[Headbutting desk] 
Patty cake! Patty cake! Is that true?

Maroon:
Take comfort son. You're not the first man whose wife played 
patty cake on him.

Maroon hands him a handkerchief which Roger blows into with
gusto. He hands it back dripping with water and Maroon hands
it to Valiant. 

Roger:
I don't believe it. I wont believe it. I can't believe it.
I shan't believe it!

Valiant: 
[Dropping the hanky into the bin with a splash.] 
Believe it kid. I took the pictures myself. She played patty cake.

Roger:
[Flicking through the pictures faster and faster so it looks like 
they are moving.] 
No... not my Jessica! Not patty cake. This is impossible. I don't 
believe it. It can't be. It just can't be. Jessica's my wife! It's 
absolutely impossible! [Throws pictures into the air] Jessica's the 
light of my life, the apple of my eye, the cream in my cofee.

Valiant:
You better start drinking it black, cause Acme's taking the cream now.

Maroon:
Hard to believe. Marvin Acme's been my friend and neighbour for 30 
years. Who would have thought he was a sugar daddy?

Roger:
Somebody must have made her do it.

Maroon:
[Handing Roger a glass] Now drink this son. It'll make you feel better.

Roger:
(Gulp) Eech! Gaahh! Brblbllllllll... 

Roger turns a variety of different colours and his eyes bulge. He 
suddenly shoots into the air and emits a whistling sound so high 
pitched that it breaks all the glasses in the room including the
one held by Valiant and the glass awards on the shelves. As the 
whistling dies down Roger collapses back into the seat and mutters...

Roger: Thanks, I needed that.

...before falling face down on the table.

Valiant:
[Shaking the liqour of his hands] Son of a bitch. Look, Mr. Maroon,
I think my work here is finished. How about that carrot you owe me, huh?

Maroon: 
A deal's a deal. 
[Hands Valiant the check]

Valiant: 
Great... Thanks.

Maroon:
Roger. I know all this seems pretty painful now. But you'll find someome 
new. Won't he Mr. Valiant?

Valiant: 
Yeah, sure. A good looking guy like that. 
(Chuckles) The dames'll be breaking his door down.

Roger: 
[Suddenly coming to life again] 
Dames! What dames? 

Roger grabs Valiant by the collar and shouts at him forcing Valiant 
back onto the desk.

Roger: 
Jessica's the only one to me! You'll see. We'll rise above this pickling
peccadillo! We're going to be happy again. You got that? Capital H-A-P-P-I! 

Roger crashes through the window leaving a rabbit shaped hole in the glass 
and the blinds. 

Valiant: 
Well, at least he took it well...

As Valiant and Maroon stare dumbfounded out of the window the blinds crash down.
Roger is across the road at the Acme factory looking at his photos. One is of 
him and Jessica on their wedding day. Another is of the two of them on their 
honeymoon on a beach. The last is of the two of them hugging each other in a bar.

Roger:
[Crying]
Jessica... P-p-pllllease tell me it's not true. P-p-p-p-pllllease!

Valiant returns to his office. He takes off his jacket and starts to take the 
photos down from the line where he had hung them. When Valiant goes through the
photos back at his office he finds old pictures of him and Dolores mucking around
on a beach. Smiling, he flicks through them however he finds pictures of him and
his brother and seems close to tears. He gets drunk. 
On the other side of the desk is a chair covered in dust. In front of this on the 
desk is a sign reading Theodore J. Valiant. Covering the desk are numerous newspaper 
clippings of toon cases they solved. Soon it's morning and another man is in the 
room. Valiant is asleep with his head on the desk. the man throws the empty bottle 
in front of Valiant into the bin and drops it on the floor.

Valiant: 
Zzzzzzz (Bang) Yarghh! 

Valiant leaps upright in his seat and stares groggily at the man beside him.

Valiant:
Lieutenant Santino, where'd you come from?

Santino:
[Looking at the photos.] 
Gee whizz Eddie. If you needed money so bad why didn't you come to me?

Valiant:
[Trying to pour the last dribble from the bottle.]
So I took a couple of dirty pictures. So kill me.

Santino:
I already have a stiff on my hands, thankyou!

Valiant:
Huh?

Sant:
Marvin Acme. The rabbit cacked him last night.

Valiant:
What?

They drive to the Acme factory. As Santino walks away Valiant
stands looking towards Toon Town.

Santino:
Now what?

Valiant:
It's just I haven't been this close to Toontown for a while.

A figure comes flying over the wall, trailing fire, and bounces 
to a halt in front of the two men.

Sam: 
Ow! My briskets are burning! Fire in the hatch! Great hornitoads, that 
smarts! [Sits in a puddle.] (Sssssst) Ahhh.

Santino: 
Come on Eddie. Let's get this over with... 
[The two men walk into the Acme Factory. Santino speaks to the cop on 
gaurd at the door...]
He's with me. 

They are met with the sight of a body in the middle of the warehouse 
floor. On it's head is a very large safe.

Santino:
Just like a toon to drop a safe on a guy's head. Sorry Eddie. Ahem. 
Better wait here, alright?
 
Policeman:
Hey, Chishold. Get a load of this!
[Toon dynamite] 

Policeman:
[Holding up a black disk]
Seen one of these? 

He throws it on a wall and puts his hand through it.

Policemen:
Ha ha ha ha.

Detective:
Hey guys!

Valiant turns to see a detective holding a mallet. From it springs a 
boxing glove on the end of a retractable arm. This narrowly misses
Valiant twice, knocking down piles of boxes behind him.

Detective:
Didn't you used to be Eddie Valiant? Or did you change your name to
Jack Daniels? Ha ha ha.

Valiant:
[To a man picking yellow paint from the rope attatched to the safe.]
What's that? 

Man:
Paint from the rabbit's glove.

Jessica:
Mr. Valiant. 

Valiant turns to see Jessica and he runs his eyes over her body. She,
however, slaps him hard across the face.

Jessica:
I hope you're proud of yourself, and those pictures you took.

Jessica storms out.
As Acme's body is being carried away on a stretcher the men carrying
it bump into one of the many piles of boxes and one bursts open to
release pairs of toon shoes and boots. In the ensuing confusion to
get the boots back into the box Acmes body is bumped into and his
arm drops out from under the sheet and something falls from his hand.
Valiant sees this and he bends down to pick it up. As his hand closes
around it a walking stick jabs painfully into his hand. 

Valiant:
Ow! 

He looks up to see a man dressed all in black with a black hat and
orange tinted glasses. His skin is a deathly grey colour.

Doom:
Is this man removing evidence from the scene of a crime?

Santino:
Er, no Judge Doom. Uh, Valiant here was just picking it up for ya.
Weren't you Eddie?

Doom:
Hand it over.

Valiant:
Sure. 

Valiant grasps Dooms hand and there is a buzzing sound and Dooms body 
goes rigid. Doom takes the hand buzzer.

Valiant:
His number one seller.

Doom:
[An artificial smile momentarily adorns Dooms face.]
I see working for a toon has rubbed off on you.

Valiant:
I wasn't working for a toon. I was working for R. K. Maroon.

Doom:
Yes. We talked to Mr. Maroon. He told us the rabbit became quite 
agitated when you showed him the pictures. The rabbit said one way 
or another he and his wife were going to be happy. Is that true?

Valiant:
Pal, do I look like a stenographer?

Santino:
Shut your yap Eddie. The man's in charge.

Doom:
That's alright lieutenant. From the smell of him I'd say it was the
booze, talking. No matter. The rabbit wont get far. My men will find him.

The warehouse doors burst open and careering through them comes a black
van which crashes into a pile of boxes before stopping. The doors open
to reveal weasels inside.

Valiant:
Weasels!

Doom:
Yes. I find they have a special gift for the work.

Smart Ass:
Alright yer mugs, fall out.

Doom:
Did you find the rabbit?

Smart Ass:
Don't worry Judge. We got deformants all over the city. We'll find him.

Doom:
[Turning back to Valiant]
You wouldn't have any idea where the rabbit might be Mr. Valiant?

Valiant:
Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga? I hear Kokomo's very nice this
time of the year.

Doom:
I'm surprised you're not more cooperative Mr. Valiant. A human has 
been murdered by a toon. Don't you apprecite the magnitude of that?

Doom suddenly becomes aware of a rubbing at the base of his leg 
and looks down to see a lone toon shoe.

Shoe:
Beep! Beep!

Doom:
[Whilst putting on a large black rubber glove.]
Since I've had Toontown under my juristiction my goal has been to reign
in the insanity. And the only way to do that is to make Toons respect...
[He emphasises this by letting the glove snap back onto his arm] 
...the law.

Doom picks up the toon and carries it toward the van.

Valiant:
[Whispering to Santino.]
How did that gargoyle get to be a Judge?

Santino:
Spread a bunch of Semolians around Toontown a couple of years back back. 
Bought the election.

Valiant:
Huh. What's that?

Inside the van is a barrel and Doom throws off the lid to reveal a green 
liquid inside.

Santino:
Remember how we always thought there wasn't a way to kill a Toon? Well 
Doom found a way. Turpentine, Acetone, Benzene. He calls it the Dip.

Doom begins to lower the toon into the dip.

Doom:
I'll catch the rabbit Mr. Valiant. And I'll try him, convict him, and 
excecute him.

As Doom is speaking the toon is slowly disolving. Santino has to look
away.

Valiant:
Jesus!

Psycho:
Hee hee hee hee hee!

Greasy:
Heh eh! That's one dead shoe huh Boss?

Doom:
They're not kid gloves Mr. Valiant. But this is how we handle things down
in Toontown. I'd think you of all people would appreciate that. 

Valiant returns to his office and in front of the office door Valiant sees 
a woman bending over a pram. Valiant stands there for a while looking at 
her legs but then she pulls out a lighter and puts it in the pram.

Valiant: 
[Running to stop her.] 
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wait a minute! Hey, hey!

The woman looks round to reveal Baby Herman in the pram. He puffs out
smoke from his cigar.

Sitter:
I've been trying to make him quit but he just wont listen to me.

B. Herman: 
What do you know you dumb broad? You got the I.Q. of a rattle. You Valiant?

Valiant:
Yeah.

B. Herman:
I want to talk to you about the Acme murder. Hey. Pssssss. Doll. Why
don't you run downstairs and get me a racing form? (Smack)

Sitter:
Oooh! O.K. O.K. I'm going.

Valiant:
The lady's man huh?

B. Herman:
My problem is I've got a 50 year old lust and a 3 year old dinky.

Valiant:
Yeah. Must be tough.

B. Herman:
Valiant. The rabbit didn't kill Acme. He's not a murderer. I should
know. He's a dear friend of mine. I tell you Valiant, the whole thing
stinks like yesterday's diapers. Look at this. 
[Hands Valiant a newspapper.]
The paper says Acme left no will. That's a load of succotash. Every
toon knows Acme had a will. He promised to leave Tonn town to us Toons.
That will is the reason he got bumped off!

Valiant:
Has anybody ever seen this will?

B. Herman:
Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath.

Valiant:
If you believe that that joker could do anything solid the gags on you pal!

B. Herman:
I just figured since you were the one who got my pal in trouble you might 
want to help get him out. I can pay ya.

Valiant:
Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes!

Valiant, angered by the fact that a toon wants him to work for him, turns
the pram round, takes of the brakes and rolls it down the hall.

B. Herman:
Hey, no! Valiant, don't! 

The cot collides with his sitter and B. Herman's cigar falls over the 
side of the pram.

B. Hermam:
Oh! My stoogie! Waaaaaggghhh!

Valiant looks back smiling and lets himself into the office. He sits down 
at his desk pouring himself a drink and looking at the newspaper.

Valiant:
Weren't my fault the rabbit got himself in trouble. 
[Drinks the drink.] 
All I did was take a couple of louzy pictures...

As Valiant takes off his jacket he bends over the pictures of Acme and 
Jessica he took the night before and notices something in Acmes pocket 
magnified by the glass he put on top of it. Opening a bag he gets out 
his magnifying glass to get a closer look. In Marvins pocket an envelope 
sticks out with the words 'Last Will and Testament' written on it.

Valiant:
The baby was right! The hell with it.

Valiant crosses over the office to some drawers which he pulls to reveal
a fold up bed. He gets in and rolls over to come face to face with Roger.

Roger:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagghh!

They both leap out of bed.

Valiant:
How the hell did you get in here?

Roger:
Through the mail slot. I thought it would be best if I waited inside, 
seeing how I'm wanted for murder.

Valiant:
No kidding! Just talking to you could get me a rap for aiding and 
abbeting. Wait a minute. Anybody know you're here?

Roger: 
Nobody. [Leaping on to the bed.] Not a soul. Except er...

Valiant: 
Who?

Roger:
Well you see, I didn't know where you're address was. So I asked the 
newsboy. He didn't know. So I asked the fireman, the greengrocer, 
the butcher, the baker. They didn't know! But the liqour store guy. He knew.

Valiant:
In other words the whole damn town knows! 
[Grabs Roger and tries to throw him out the door.] 
Come on get out of here. Get out! Get out of the door will ya! Get out!

Roger: 
Hey! Hey Eddie, take it easy will ya. Please Eddie, don't throw me out. 
You're making a big mistake. I didn't kill anybody. I swear. This whole
thing's a set up. A scam. A frame job! Ow! Eddie. I could never hurt 
anybody. 
[Valiant is stretching Roger out in his attempt to make Roger let go of 
the door frame.] 
Ow! My whole purpose in life is to maaake, peeeeopllllle, laugh! 

Rogers grip on the door frame finally breaks and the two of them fly 
backwards across the office. Valiant lands in a heap on the floor and 
Roger lands on the bed.

Roger:
O.K. O.K. Sure, I admit it. I got a little steamed when you showed me 
those pictures of Jessica. So I ran down to the Ink... 

Valiant dives at Roger but merely sends Roger into the air and Valiant
lands in a heap on the other side of the bed.

Roger:
...and Paint Club. But she wasn't in her dressing room so I wrote her
a love letter.

Valiant:
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You're telling me, that in a fit of
jealousy you wrote you're wife a love letter?

Roger:
That's right! I know she was just an innocent victim of circumstance.

Valiant:
I suppose you used the old lipstick on the mirror routine huh?

Roger:
Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no. I found a nice clean piece of paper. 
[He holds it up and begins to read.]
'Dear Jessica. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One one
thousand! Two one thousand! Three one thousand! Four one thous...'

Valiant:
Why didn't you just leave the letter there?

Roger:
Obviously a poem of this power and sensitivity must...
[Valiant grabs Roger by the ears and throws him out of his way.]
Aaaaaaagh!... be read in person so I went home to wait for her but
the weasels were there waiting for me! So. So I ran.

Valiant:
So why come to me? I'm the guy that took the pictures of  your wife!

Roger looks through a book containing newspaper cuttings of 
Valiant's past cases.

Roger:
Yeah! And you're also the guy that helped all these toons. Everybody 
knows when a toon's in trouble there's only one place to go. Valiant 
and Valiant.

Valiant:
Not anymore.
[Looks up to see Roger about to sit in a dusty chair opposite Valiant.]
Get out of that chair!... It's my brother's chair.

Roger:
Yeah! Where is your brother anyway?
[Looking at picture]
He looks like a sensitive and, sober fellow.

Valiant:
That's it.
[Picks up the phone.]
I'm calling the cops.

Roger: 
Go ahead! Call the cops! I come here for help and what do you do? 
You turn me in. No don't. Don't feel guilty about me. 
[Opens a door]
So long... and thanks for nothing. 

Roger slams the door behind him sending a pile of papers on a nearby
set of drawers crashing down.

Valiant:
That's the closet! Stupe.

Valiant gets up and opens the door. There is no one inside. Suddenly
Roger appears from inside one of the jackets.

Roger:
Eddie Valiant! You're under arrest! 
[Puts handcuffs on Valiant] 
Plplplplplll!!

Valiant: 
Get out of here! 
[Throws Roger out and on to the bed]
Idiot. I got no k‚e‚y‚s‚ for these cuffs.

Roger:
Huh?

Outside comes the sound of a car siren.

Roger:
Yaaaaggghh!

Roger shoots acroos to the other side of the room dragging Valiant 
with him and opens the blinds to look outside. It is the weasels.

Smart Ass:
Come on! Get the lead out will ya! Move it would ya! Move it!

Roger:
Yaaaagh! It's the Toon Patrol! 

Roger dives under the bed dragging Valiant with him but the bed 
folds up into the wall.

Roger:
Hide me Eddie. Plplplplease.

He then tries hiding in some drawers making Valiant bang his
head on the side.

Valiant:
Ungh!

Roger:
[From the top drawer]
Remember, you never saw me.

Valiant:
Get out of there!

Roger:
Don't let em... 
[Valiant pulls Roger out.]
...find me! Come on Eddie. You're my only hope!

Smart Ass:
[Banging on door]
Open up in the name of the law! (We know where you are. We know 
you're in there! Open the door Valiant.)

Roger: 
Plplplease Eddie. You know there's no justice for toons anymore. 
If the weasels get their hands on me... I'm as good as dip.

Smart Ass: 
Don't make us wait up Valiant. We just want the rabbit.

Roger: 
What are we gonna do Eddie? What are we gonna do? What are  we gonna do?

There is more banging on the door.

Valiant:
What's all this we stuff? They just want the rabbit.

The handle to the door is shot off by a machine gun. The door swings 
open to reveal a Wheezy holding the gun and then the other weasels 
appear and begin to make their way into the room.

Greasy: 
Looks like they gave us the slip, huh boss?

Smart Ass: 
Nah. Valiant's got him stashed somewhere. 

Smartass sees Valiant at the sink and pulls a chair up to him and 
holds a gun at his head.

Smart Ass: 
Hold it right there.

Valiant: 
Hello boys. I didn't hear you come in.

Smart Ass pulls up a chair and stands on top of it.

Smart Ass: 
O.K. wise guy. Where's the rabbit?

Valiant: 
Haven't seen him.

Smart Ass:
(Sniff) What's in there? 

Valiant: 
[Holding up wet sock] 
My lingerie.

Smart Ass: 
Gech! See you Valiant.

As Smart Ass turns away Roger suddenly bursts out of the sink. 

Roger: 
Cough! Gag!

Valiant hurredly forces Roger back under and Smart Ass gives 
Valiant a suspicious look.

Smart Ass: 
Search the place boys. And leave no stone unturned. 
[Stands on the chair again.] 
Look, Valiant. We got a reliable tip off that the rabbit was here. 
It was corrugated by several others. So cut the bullshtick.

Valiant: 
You keep talking like that and I'm going to have to wash  your mouth out.

Valiant stuffs the soap in Smart Ass' mouth and he rolls down the stairs.

Smart Ass:
Ooomph!

Roger bursts out of the sink again.

Stupid: 
Herh herh herh herh!

Greasy: 
Hagh Hagh hagh hagh!

Wheezy: 
Hehh Hehh hheh!

Psycho: 
Hee heee hee-hee!

Smart Ass: 
Stop that laughing! 

Wacks Wheezy sending him flying across the room to crash into the blinds. 

Smart Ass:
Stop that laughing! You know what happens when you can't...

He wacks Greasy over the head.

Smart Ass:
...stop...

He wacks Psycho over the head.

Smart Ass:
...laughing. 

He throws the plunger at stupid which sicks on his face and onto the 
filing cabinet. 

Smart Ass: 
One of these days you're gonna die laughing. 
[Leaps up on to chair.] 
As for you Valiant. Step out of line and we'll hang you and your 
laundry out, to dry... 
[Splashes the water in the sink] 
Heh eh eh! Come on boy's. Let's am-scray.

Roger bursts out of the sink and water fountains out of his mouth.

Valiant:
They're gone.

Roger:
[Ringing the water out of his ears.] 
Jeepers Eddie! That was swell. You saved my life! How can I ever repay ya!

He grabs Valiant and gives him a big kiss. Valiant struggles and 
throws him off.

Valiant:
Mmmmmmmeurh! For starters, don't e‚v‚e‚r‚ kiss me again. Sphphh!

[Valiant goes to the bar with Roger hidden under his coat]

Valiant: 
Will you stop kicking me? Stop kicking will ya! Dolores. Dolores! DOLORES! 
[Roger keeps trying to stick his head out from under Valiant's jacket.]
Ssshh.

Man: 
Hey Eddie! You made front page today!

Valiant:
Yeah. I guess I made some ink.

Man: 
What ink!

Roger: 
[Finally getting his head free.] 
Jeepers Eddie. That com com completplech! 
[Valiant stuffs Roger back under his coat forming a big bulge.]

Dolores: 
So tell me Eddie. Is that a rabbit in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Valiant: 
Cut the comedy Dolores. I've had a very hard day. I've gotta get outta these cuffs.

Dolores: 
Oh swell.

Dolores leads Valiant through a secret door to the hidden door beyond.

Roger:
Whooo! Jeepers Eddie! That almost killed me! 
[Dolores turns on the light.]
Boy. What is this? Some kind of a secret room?

Dolores:
It's a rough gut room. A hold over for probation?

Roger:
Oh I get it. A speakeasy, a gin mill, a hooch parlour.

Dolores:
The tools are up here Eddie.

Roger suddenly runs across the room dragging Valiant across with him 
and knocking Dolores over.

Roger:
Look at this. It's a fire hose. Jeepers Eddie. This would be a g‚r‚e‚a‚t‚ 
place to hide.

Roger peers through the holes in the wall and knocks a bottle over with 
his eyes.

Valiant:
Crazy toon.

Valiant pulls Roger away and in so doing knocks his head on the low light.

Roger: 
Watch your head.

Dolores: 
I thought you said you'd never take another toon case? What, did you 
have a change of heart?

Valiant: 
[Starts sawing at the handcuffs.] 
Nothing's changed. Somebody's made a patsy out of me and I'm gonna 
find out why. 
[Starts to saw at cuff]
Hold still will ya?

Roger slips his hand out of the cuff and stands in front of Valiant.

Roger:
Does this help?

Valiant:
Yeah. Thanks... 

Valiant looks up at Roger and stops sawing. Roger hurriedly puts 
his hand back in the cuff.

Valiant:
Do you mean to tell me you could have taken your hand out of that 
cuff at any time?

Roger: 
No! Not at any time. Only when it was funny! Plplplplpl! 
[Shoots across the room to land in a rotating chair.] 
Come on Eddie! Where's your sense of humour?

Dolores: 
Is he always this funny, or only on days he's wanted for murder?

Roger: 
[Leaning forward.] 
Listen. My philosophy is this. If you don't have a good sense of 
humour, you're better of dead.

Valiant: 
You just make it your wish untill I can figure out what happened to this! 
[Throws the photo to Dolores]

Roger: 
What is it Eddie?

Valiant: 
Just look at it.

Roger: 
Mr. Acme's will...

Valiant: 
Yeah, and I think Maroon played the part of sound mind and your wife 
the sound body.

Roger: 
[Waving tool in the air.] 
Why. I resent that innuendo.

Dolores: 
What's the scheme Eddie?

Valiant: 
I don't think they got to the will.

Dolores: 
But how do you know?

Valiant: 
Because they were still looking for it after they killed him.

Dolores: 
Anything I can do?

Valiant: 
Maybe you could go down and check the probate.

Roger: 
Yeah! Check the probate! Why. My Uncle Thumper had a problem with 
his probate and he had to take these big pills and drink lots of water.

Valiant: 
Not prostate you idiot! Probate.

Roger: 
Let me get this straight! You think my boss, R.K.Maroon dropped a safe 
on Marvin Acme's head so he could get his hands on Toontown?!

Valiant: 
Yeah. That's my hunch. Now, could he stay here for a couple of days?

Dolores: 
Not going to do anythig crazy is he?

Roger: 
[Rubbing a file through his ears.] 
Ooo. Oooh hoo hoo!

Dolores: 
Where are you going?

Valiant: 
Back to the office.

At Valiant's office a shadow of a woman casts itself over the door 
from the inside.

Jessica: 
Mr. Valiant. Mr. Valiant? 

There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Valiant emerges from 
the bathroom.

Jessica: 
You've got the wrong idea about me Mr. Valiant. I'm a pawn in this 
just like Roger. Can you help me find him? Just name your price, 
and I'll pay it.

Valiant: 
Yeah, I bet you will. You've got to have the rabbit to make this 
scam work.

Jessica: 
No no no. I love my husband. You've got me all wrong. You don't 
know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.

Valiant: 
Yeah, well, you don't know how hard it is, being a man, looking at 
a woman looking the way you do.

Jessica: 
I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.

Valiant: 
Were'nt you the one I caught playing pattycake for old man Acme?

Jessica: 
You didn't catch me Mr. Valiant. You were set up to take those
pictures.

Valiant: 
What are you talking about?

Jessica: 
Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme. I didn't want anything to do
with it but he said that if I didn't pose for those pattycake
pictures Roger would never work in this town again. I couldn't 
let that happen. I'd do anything for my husband Mr. Valiant. 
Anything.

Valiant:
What a wife.

Jessica: 
I'm desperate Mr. Valiant. Can't you see how much I need you?

Valiant trousers fall down.

Dolores: 
Ahem! Dabbling in water colours Eddie?

Valiant: 
Ha. 

Valiant rapidly tries to pull up his trousers and as he stands 
up his head comes up between Jessicas breasts.

Valiant: 
Sorry. Ha.

Jessica: 
Goodbye Eddie. My offer stands firm. Think about it. 

As Jessica leaves she blows a kiss at Valiant which flutters 
across the room and smacks onto Valiants cheek.

Dolores: 
Well! 
[She pulls off the kiss.] 
Do you want to tell me what she was doing with her arms around you?

Valiant: 
Probably looking for a good place to stick a knife!

Dolores: 
Come on Eddie. I caught you wit your pants down!

Valiant: 
Yeah, well I didn't... [Dolores leaves.] Dolores, come... 
Come on Dolores. 

[Valiant rushes after Dolores catching her outside]

Valiant: 
You don't believe a painted hussy like that could turn my head? She's
just trying to get her hands on the rabbit.

Dolores: 
That's not all she's trying to get her hands on.

Valiant: 
Now look, Dolores, listen. Listen to me. I want you to go out. I want 
you to buy a new swimsuit cause you and me are going to Catalina. I'm 
on the verge of wrapping up this case.

Dolores: No you're not Eddie. That's what I came to tell you. I stopped 
by probate. Maroon's not after Toontown like you thought. It's Cloverleaf 
that want to get their hands on Toontown. They put in the highest bid and 
unless Mr. Acme's will shows up by midnight tonight Cloverleaf is going 
to own Toontown.

Valiant: 
What? By midnight tonight?

Dolores: 
That's right.

Valiant: 
First they buy the red car. Then they want to get their hands on Toontown. 
I don't get it.

Dolores: 
Sshhhh.

In the background can be heard Roger singing.

Valiant: 
Roger!

As Valiant and Dolores rush off a manhole in the road lifts up to reveal the 
weasels.

Psycho: 
Hee hee!

Smart Ass: 
The rabbit! Call the Judge.

[Inside the bar Roger is singing on the bar]

The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down (Roger's Song)  [ Top ]

Roger: 
        '...Oh, Roger is my name,
        and laughter is my game!
        Come on, cowpoke,
        it's just a joke!
        Don't sit there on your brain!
        [speaking]
        Hooo hoo! Nice shirt. Who's your tailor? 
        Quasimodo? Hoo hoo!
        [singing]
        'My buddy's Eddie V.
        A sourpuss you'll see
        But when I'm done 
        He'll ned no gun 
        Cause a joker he will be.

        C, D, F, G. H, I!

        I-I-I-I love to raise some cain
        Believe me It's no strain
        It feels so great 
        To smash a plate
        And look, there is no pain.
        [Smashes plate on his head.]

The record keeps repeating itself and so so does Roger.

      No pain. [Smashes plate on his head.]
      No pain. [Smashes plate on his head.]
      No pain...

Dolores: 
Help him!

Valiant knocks the needle from the record and grabs Roger by the ears.

Roger: 
Hooh hooh.

Valiant then throws him through the door of the secret room. 

Roger: 
Aaaaarrh! 

Roger lands head first in a bucket which gets stuck and Roger 
struggles to get it off.

Roger: 
Hey, who turned out the lights? I can't see a thing! What's going on?

Valiant: 
You crazy rabbit! I'm out there risking my neck for you and what are 
you doing? Singing and dancing!

  Roger finally kicks the bucket off and Valiant catches it.

Roger: 
But I'm a toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh.

Valiant: 
Sit down!

Roger: 
You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh.

Valiant: 
Yeah. And when they're done laughing they're gonna call the cops. 
That guy Angelo would rat on you for a nickel.

Roger: 
Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in.

Valiant: 
Why? Just because you made him laugh?

Roger:
That's right! A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes
in life it's the only weapon we have. Laughter is the most important... 
[A red light starts to flash.]

Valiant:
Ssshhh...

Dolores:
[Pressing a switch beneath the bar.]
Hix-nay. Hix-nay!

Doom enters the bar.

Doom: 
I'm looking for a murderer... A rabbit. 
[Most people suddenly leave the bar.]
A toon rabbit about yeay... 
[He pushes a dwarf down to his knees.]
...big.

Dolores: 
Look, there's no rabbit here so stop harrassing my customers.

Doom:
I didn't come here to harrass. I came here to reward. 

He walks up to the one armed soldier and grabs his empty sleeve 
and rubs out the word FRENCH on the menu black board. He then 
starts to add his own word making the chalk screech and the 
people in the bar cringe. When he has finished the board reads:  
'RABBIT DIP $5000--'

Angelo:
(Whistle) Hey! I seen a rabbit.

Doom: 
Where?

Valiant: 
See.

Roger:
(Gulp)

Doom: 
Where?

Angelo: 
He's right here in the bar. Well say hello... 
[He puts his arms around empty air.] 
...Harvey! Heh heh heh!

Roger: 
I told ya so!

Doom suddenly hears the record player turning and walking over
the broken crockery he takes the record off and examines it.

Doom: 
Merry-go-round broke down. Quite a loony selection for a group 
of drunken reprobates.

Everyone in the bar has a guilty silence. Doom sniffs the record. 

Doom: 
He's here!

Doom throws the record like a frisbee and it lodges itself in 
Stupids mouth. 

Weasels: 
Ha ha ha ha ha.

Doom: 
Stop that laughing! Have you forgotten what happened last time? If 
you don't stop that laughing you're gonna end up dead just like your
idiot hyena cousins.

Smart Ass: 
Hey Boss. You want we should dis-resemble the place?

Doom: 
No sergeant. Dissassembling the place wont be neccessary. The rabbit 
is going to come right to me. 
[He taps on the bar with his walking stick.]

Valiant: 
Huh?

Doom: 
No toon can resist the shave and a haircut trick.

Valiant: 
I don't know who's toonier. You or Doom... 

Valiant turns and sees Roger sitting on the desk going mad with the 
strain of not tapping out the response to Doom's tapping. However 
his sleeve has caught on the fire hose and he is powerless to help.

Valiant: 
Roger. Roger! Roger! Roger no! Roger don't!

Doom: 
Shave and a haircut...

Roger: 
[Bursting through the wall.] 
Two bits! 
[Doom grabs him round the throat.] 
Hhhhmmmh!

Smart Ass: 
[Indicating Valiant.] 
Hey Judge. What shall we do with the wall flower?

Doom: 
We'll see to him later. Right now I feel like dispensing some justice. 
Bring me some dip!... 

Roger: 
Gaaaaghhh!

Doom: 
Does the condemned have anything to say before his sentence is carried out?

Roger: 
Why yeah. Hhhmmh!

Valiant: 
Dolores. A bourbon. And make it a double.

Dolores: 
Fine time for a drink Eddie. Maybe you'd like a bowl of pretzels to go with it?

Valiant: 
Just pour the drink Dolores. Hey Judge! Doesn't a dying rabbit deserve a 
last request?

Roger: 
Yeah. Nose plugs would be nice!

Valiant: 
I think you want a drink. How about it Judge?

Doom: 
Well. Why not. I don't mind prolonging the execution.

Valiant: 
Happy trails.

Roger: 
No thanks Eddie. I'm trying to cut down.

Valiant: 
Drink the drink! 

Roger: 
But I don't want the drink!

Doom: 
He doesn't want the drink.

Valiant: 
He does.

Roger: 
I don't!

Valiant: 
You do!

Roger: 
I don't!

Valiant: 
You do!

Roger: 
I don't!

Valiant: 
You do!

Roger: 
I don't!

Valiant: 
You don't!

Roger: 
I do!

Valiant: 
You don't!

Roger: 
I do!

Valiant: 
You don't!

Roger: 
Listen, when I say I do it means I do.(Gulp) Aaaaaaggghh!

Roger leaps into the air and emits the same earpiercing whistling 
sound as before in Maroons office, breaking all the bottles and 
glasses. Valiant fights the weasels. As the drink's effect on Roger 
wears out he nearly falls in the dip but Valiant catches him.

Valiant: 
Got you kid!

Roger: 
Come on Eddie! Let's get out of here! Move it pops! 
[Roger rushes out with Valiant following after he has knocked over 
the barrel of dip to slow down the toons.]

Roger: 
Yeah! That was quick thinking Eddie! Nothin' like using the ol' spine 
flower, the wise noodle, the smart puddin'!

Valiant: 
Roger! Let's use this! 
[He grabs Roger and throws him in the weasels van.]

Roger: 
Yaaaaggh! Let's get outta here! What are you waiting for?

Valiant: 
There's no damn key!

From the back comes a voice.

Benny: 
Hey, you weasels. Let me outta here will ya? Come on. I've gotta 
make a living!

Roger: 
[Opening the hatch and looking back.] 
Benny! Is that you?

Benny: 
No! It's Helena Roosevelt! Come on Roger. Let me outta here!

Roger squuezes through the hatch and the love letter to Jessica 
falls into Valiants lap. He puts it in his pocket. 

Roger: 
Eddie! We got ourselves a ride! Open the doors!

Valiant opens the van doors and a toon taxi cab leaps out.

Benny: 
Ah! That's better! I can't believe they locked me up for driving on 
a sidewalk!

Roger: 
Come on Eddie! Get in!

Benny: 
It was just a coupl'a miles!

Valiant: 
I'll drive.

Roger: 
But I wanna drive.

Benny: 
No! I'll drive! I'm the cab! 
[Nearly running a man over.] 
Outta my way pencil neck! How about this weather huh? It never rains!

Smart Ass: 
[Rushing out with the rest of the weasels.] 
They stole the cab. Let's go!

Benny: 
And how about those Brookland Dodgers! Aren't they bums or what?

Smart Ass: 
Move over. I'm driving.

Roger: 
[Looking back.] 
Benny. Eddie. We've got company!

Benny: 
Will you look at these two? Excuse me ladies! 
[Squeezes between two cars.]

Roger: 
Yaaaaaaaagghhh!

Benny: 
Now that's what I call a couple of road hogs!

Smart Ass: 
I'm gonna blow his head off!

Smart Ass shoots out of the window but misses. A tram pulls out 
in front of Benny.

Roger: 
Benny! Look out for the... Yaaaaggghhhhhh! Eddie! There's cops 
right behind us!

Benny: 
Not for long Roger! 
[Reverses down alley way.] 
Now they're right in front of us!

Roger: 
Eddie! We're going backwards! Turn us around! Give me the wheel! 
Give me the wheel! 
[Benny spins round]
The cops are still on our tail!

Valiant: 
I know the cops are still on our tail. What do you think I am, bli--? 
Benny!!

In front of them they see the weasels driving straight for them.

Benny: 
Pull the lever!

Roger: 
Which one? Which one? Which one?! 

A sign appears on the dashboard with an arrow and the words 
"THIS ONE STUPID!"

Smart Ass:
I'm gonna ram 'em.

Just before the weasels hit them Benny suddenly raises up on his wheels 
and drives over the van.

Benny: 
I'm getting to old for this!

The weasels collide with the cops and send them flying.

Roger: 
Jumping Jeepers!

Benny: 
Hey Roger. What do you call in the middle of a song?

Roger: 
Gee, I don't know Benny. A BRIDGE!!!

Benny nearly hits a bridge but leaps over the side wall to land 
on the road, nearly hitting a woman and smashing through the 
railings in the middle.

Benny: 
Well fellas. Where can I drop ya?

Roger: 
Somewhere we can hide.

Benny: 
I got just the place. And incidently, if you should ever need a 
ride just stick out your thumb! Hey ladies! Share the road will ya!

[Valiant and Roger are at a cinema]

Background: 
Now that wasn't so bad was it? 

Roger: 
Hoo hooo! Hooo hoo hoo! Boy, did you see that? Nobody takes a 
wallop like Goofy! What timing! What finess! What a genius! 
Hooo hoo! 
[Valiant pulls Roger back to the seat next to him by his ears.] 
Ow!

Valiant: 
We're supposed to be hiding. What's wrong with you?

Roger: 
What's wrong with you? You're the only person in this theatre that 
isn't laughing! Is there nothing that can permeate your impervious 
puss? Hey Eddie! 
[Pulls funny face.] 
Plplplll! Boy, nothing. What could have possibly happened to you to 
turn you into such a sourpuss?

Valiant: 
You wanna know? I'll tell you. A toon killed my brother.

Roger: 
A toon? No.

Valiant: 
That's right. A toon. We were investigating the robbery of the first 
national bank of Toontown. Back in those days me and Teddy liked 
working in Toontown. Thought it was a lot of laughs. Ha. Anyway, this 
guy got away with a zillion semolians. We trailed him down to a little 
dive down in Yahtzel Street. Went in. Only he got the drop on us. 
Literally. Dropped a piano on us from fifteen stories. Broke my arm. 
Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I 
remember was him standing over me laughing,with those burning red 
eyes and that high squeaky voice. He dissapeared into Toon town after 
that.

Roger: 
Boo hoooo! No wonder you hate me! If a toon killed my brother I'd 
hate me too.

Valiant: 
Come on. Don't cry. I don't hate you.

Roger: 
Yes you do!

Valiant: 
No I don't.

Roger: 
You do hate me. Otherwise you wouldn't have yanked my ears all those times.

Valiant: 
Come on. I'm sorry I yanked your ears.

Roger: 
All the times you yanked my ears?

Valiant: 
All the times I yanked your ears.

Roger: 
Apology accepted! Put it there pal. I feel better... Oh boy! I hope it's 
another cartoon! Jeepers. Another stupid newsreel. I hate the news.

Dolores sits down beside Valiant.

Valiant: 
You got all my stuff?

Dolores: 
Yes. They're packed up in the car outside. Would've been here after you 
called but I had to shake the weasels.

Background:
...in Atlantic city the Shriner's march. Wearing their fezzes and bright 
uniforms, they parade before a hundred thousand spectators as a highlight 
of the Shrine Convention.

Valiant: 
Yeah. I'm sorry about the trouble in the bar.

Background: 
...That's the gay side. There's a serious side when Imperial Potentate 
George H. Row of Buffalo urged all Shriners to help halt the spread of 
communism.

Dolores: 
Hell. Stuffing olives for a living wasn't for me anyway.

Valiant: 
Dolores. You oughta find yourself a good man.

Dolores: 
But I already have a good man.

Background:
...Many cities are represented in the march, and many temples, as the 
Imperial Council meets once again. -It takes a steady eye and a stout 
heart to heave knives at the apple of your eye but this female william 
tell has no qualms...

They are about to kiss when...

Roger: 
Hmmmmmm... Plplplllease. Don't mind me.

Background: 
...and plenty of faith...

Dolores: 
You better get going Eddie.

Background: 
...a near miss, but this miss says that's as good as a smile.

Valiant: 
I'm glad Teddy's not here to see me running away with my tail between my legs.

Background: 
Dateline: Hollywood, California. Cloverleaf Oil was on the move this week, 
acquiring two Hollywood institutions... 

Roger: 
It's not so bad. Once you get used to it.

Newsreader: 
'...the Pacific Redcar Trolley Line and the venerated  Maroon Cartoon Studios. 
Here R. K. Maroon is seen clinching a deal with Cloverleaf's bankers and 
executives in one of the biggest real estate deals in Californian history.'

Valiant: 
That's it! That's the connection!

Valiant and Roger drive into the Maroon Cartoon Studios.

Roger: 
Let's forget it. There's nobody here.

Valiant: 
Is that it or are you scared?

Roger: 
[Getting out of the car.] 
Plplpllllease! Me scared? Don't be ridiculous. (Chatter Chatter) When you 
called Maroon you told him you had the will but you don't. When he finds 
out he's going to be mad. He might try to kill ya. 
[Puts his back against the wall.]

Valiant: 
I can handle a Hollywood cream puff. I just don't want the odds to change. 
You cover my back. If you hear or see anything beep the horn twice.

Roger: 
Yeah. That's it. Beep the horn twice. Cover your back. Boy, I'm ready. Dukes 
set, eyes peeled, ears to the ground. 
[A frying pan is held above his head from behind him.] 
Why, nobody gets the drop on Roger Rabbit! (Bang!) Brrrrrhhhh!

Roger is dragged off behind the wall. Meanwhile Maroon is waiting in his 
office looking very nervous. Valiant creeps up behind him and taps him on 
the shoulder.

Maroon:
Yikes!

Valiant: 
What's up Doc?

Maroon: 
Valiant. What are you trying to do? Give me a heart attack?

Valiant: 
You need a heart before you can have an attack.

Maroon: 
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got the will?

Valiant: 
Sure. 
[Briefly shows a bit of paper] 
I got the will. Question is do you have the way? Cause I can tell 
you now it aint gonna come cheap. 

Maroon: 
You've got a lot of brass coming up here by yourself.

Valiant: 
Who said I was here by myself?

Roger is thrown unconcious into the boot of a car by...Jessica. She 
puts the frying pan in her handbag.

Maroon: 
Okay, hardcase. How much?

Valiant: 
Give a girl a chance to think. Let's see. Your take is three and 
a half million dollars..

Maroon: 
Let me see that will.

Valiant: 
I told ya I got it.

Maroon: 
I wanna see it now!... 
[Grabs it from inside Valiants jacket.] 
'How do I love thee, Let me count the ways?' This supposed to be a joke? 
[Stuffs it in Valiants belt.]

Valiant: 
No! This is. 
[Sprays soda in his eyes and punches him] 
Get up.

Maroon: 
What are ya gonna do to me Valiant?

Valiant: 
I'm going to listen to you spin the Cloverleaf scenario.  
The story of greed, sex and murder. And the parts that I don't like, 
I'm going to edit out.

Maroon:
You've got it all wrong. I'm a cartoon maker not a murderer.

Valiant:
Everybody's got to have a hobby.

He puts Maroons tie in the editing machine and turns it on pulling 
Maroon's face closer. 

Maroon:
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! The truth is I had a chance to sell my 
studio, but Cloverleaf wouldn't buy my property unless Acme sold 
them his. The stubborn bastard wouldn't sell, so I was going to 
blackmail Acme with pictures of him and the rabbits wife. Blackmail, 
that's all. I've been around toons all my life. I didn't want to see 
them destroyed.

Valiant: 
Toons destroyed? Why? 

Maroon: 
If I tell ya I'm a dead man.

Valiant:
You're a dead man if you don't tell me.

Maroon:
Unless Acme's will shows by midnight tonight Toontown's going to be 
land for the... 

At that moment Valiant sees the reflection of a gun in one of the 
pictures in the wall. It fires and Maroon cries out.

Maroon: 
Arrrggh!

Valiant dives for cover behind the sofa and the bullets slam into it. 
When the gunfire stops Valiant looks at Maroon to see him dead with 
three bullet holes in his back. He looks out of window and sees Jessica 
running off. As he leaves the building she drives a car past him.

Valiant: 
Roger!

He takes chase in his car and his headlights light up a sign for 
Toon Town. Valiant continues to follow but as the car dissappears 
into the tunnel leading to Toon Town Valiant
stops unwilling to follow. As he stares at the tunnel he is
filled with a new resolve. He throws his gun onto the seat next
to him and unpacks a case. Inside is a Toon gun. Valiant takes it
out and admires it. Next he lifts up a flap to reveal six Toon bullets.

Bullet1: 
Eddie Valiant! 

Bullet2: 
Well you're a sight for sore eyes. 

Bullet3: 
I aint seen you for nigh onto five years! 

Bullet1: 
Where've you been?

Valiant: 
Drunk. Feeling frisky tonight fellas?

Bullets: 
Yeah!

Valiant: 
Let's go. 

The bullets load themselves. Valiant is about to take a drink when 
he pours the drink away. He throws the bottle and shoots a toon bullet 
at it. He then drives down the tunnel into Toontown. At the end of the 
tunnel are a pair of red curtains which lift to reveal Toon town. Here 
it is day time and Valiant squints against the sudden bright light. 
Around him is countryside and thousands of toons.

Toons:      
             'Smile, Darn ya smile,
             You know that your world 
             is a great world after all...'

As Valiant drives along three birds fly around him in the car.

Birds: 
Hi Eddie! Bye Eddie!

The birds fly out and a lone bird flys in.

Bird: 
Hi Eddie! Bye Eddie! (Crash!)

As Valiant turns to look at the bird he crashes into the car he was 
following. He gets out and is surrounded by complete chaos. He looks 
inside the other car, banging his head. A flock of toon birds hatch 
out above his head and Valiant shoos them away. 

Valiant: 
Get outta here.

He then sees Jessica in a tall building. He waits for the lift to 
arrive and when it does it hits the ground with such force that it 
rattles the whole building. Droopy is the lift man.
  
Droopy: 
Going up sir...

Valiant steps into the lift and falls down two feet to the floor of 
the lift. 

Valiant: 
Yaaaaaghh! (Bang)

Valiant looks up at Droopy who is standing on a box.

Droopy: 
Mind the step sir... Hold on sir...

The lift shoots up with such velocity that it squashes Valiant to the floor.

Valiant: 
Yaaaaggh! Hmmhmmm! 

The lift stops suddenly so that Valiant hits the padded roof of the lift.

Valiant: 
Yaaaaaaggh!

Droopy: 
Your floor sir...

Valiant falls out of the lift. Droopy sticks his head out of the lift 
before the doors close.

Droopy: 
Have a good day sir...

Valiant: 
Gotcha!

Valiant opens the door to Jessica's room to see her inside with 
some underwear. As she turns around the hair drops from her face 
to reveal a hag.
 
Hag: 
A man! 

The hag runs towards Valiant lips puckered for a kiss. Valiant 
slams the door on the hag and her lips impale the door.
 
Hag: 
Yoo hoo! Lover boy! Kiss Mina Hyena! 

Valiant tries to hide in the toilet. He feels the wind and looking 
down sees no floor.

Valiant: 
Arrrrggghh! Oh no! Aaarrrgghh!

Valiant falls and grabs hold of a pole on which Tweetie is nesting.

Tweetie: 
Oh look! Piggies!

Valiant: 
Hi tweetie.

Tweetie: 
This little piggy went to market, and this little piggy stayed at home...

Valiant: 
No!

Tweetie: 
This little piggy had roast beef. And this little pig had ...

Valiant: 
Aaaaaaaaarrrghhhh!....

Tweetie: 
Uh oh! Ran out of piggies!

As Valiant falls Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse appear next to him 
with parachutes strapped to their backs.

Bugs: 
Eh, what's up Doc? Jumping without a parachute? Kinda dangerous aint it?

Valiant: 
Yeah.

Mickey: 
Yeah. Ha! You could get killed. Ha ha. Huh?

Valiant: 
You guys got a spare?

Mickey: 
Er, Bugs does.

Valiant: 
Yeah?

Bugs: 
Yeah. But I don't think you want it.

Valiant: 
I do! I do! Give it to me!

Mickey: 
Gee. Ha ha. Better let him have it Bugs.

Bugs: 
O.K. Doc. Whatever you say. Here's the spare...

Valiant: 
Thankyou. 
[Valiant tugs the release cord to reveal a tyre with the 
word spare written on it.] 
Oh no! Aaaaarrrgghh!

Mickey: 
Ah. Poor fella.

Bugs: 
Yeah. Aint I a stinker?

Valiant is about to hit the floor when the Hag catches him.

Hag: 
My man! 

The kiss sends Valiant skidding across the road.

Hag: 
Come to Nina!

Valiant looks up to see the hag stampeding towards him. Looking 
down at the road he picks up the line painted there and lays it 
against the nearby wall. The hag follows the line around and 
crashes into the wall and knocks herself senseless.
 
Valiant: 
Toons. Gets em everytime.

Valiant hears footsteps in a nearby alleyway and walks down it. It 
is very dark and gloomy.

Valiant: 
Ahchhhoooo!

Shadow: 
Gesundheit!

Valiant: 
Thankyou.

Jessica: 
Valiant!

Valiant looks back to see Jessica pointing a gun at him.

Valiant: 
I always knew I'd get it in Toontown.

The shadow of a gun pointing itself at Valiant from the other 
direction casts itself on the wall beside Valiant. 

Jessica: 
Behind you!

Jessica shoots and the gun falls from the shadows hand.

Valiant: 
[Drawing his own gun.] 
Drop it lady.

Jessica: 
I just saved your life and you still dont trust me?

Valiant: 
I dont trust anybody or anything.

Jessica: 
Not even your own eyes? 
[Indicating a golden gun on the floor.] 
That's the gun that killed R.K. Maroon and Doom pulled the trigger.

Valiant: 
Doom?!

Jessica: 
I followed him to the studio but I was too late to stop him.

Doom: 
[Running down the alleyway.] 
That's right! You'll never stop me! You're dead. You're all dead!

Valiant: 
Doom! 

Valiant shoots three times with his gun but before the bullets 
reach him he dissappears down a side alley. The bullets grind 
to a halt.

Bullet1: 
Which way'd he go?

Bullet2: 
Well I don't know.

Bullet3:
[Pointing the wrong way.] 
He went thata way. 

Bullet1: 
Let's go!

Valiant: 
Dum dums. 
[Throws gun away.]

Jessica: 
Come on!

Valiant: 
Yeah.

Jessica: 
[Seeing her car boot open and empty.] 
Oh no! Where's Roger?

Valiant: 
Roger? He chickened out on me back at the studio.

Jessica: 
No he didn't. I hit him on the head with a frying pan and put him 
in the trunk... So he wouldn't get hurt.

Valiant: 
Makes perfect sense.

Jessica: 
We're obviously not going anywhere in my car. Let's take yours.

Valiant: 
[Pointing back down the road where swerving tyre marks lead off into 
the distance past burst water hydrants and knocked over lamps.] 
I've got a feeling someone already did.

Jessica: 
From the looks of it I'd say it was Roger. My honey bunny was never 
very good behind the wheel.

Valiant: 
A better lover than a driver huh?

Jessica: 
You'd better believe it buster. 
[They here a siren.] 
Uh oh! It's the weasels. This way, we'll take Gingerbread Lane.

Valiant: 
No wait! No, no. Gingerbread Lane's this way.
[Sticks out thumb.]

Benny: 
[Appearing from nowhere.] 
So Valiant. You call a cab or what? 
[Looking at Jessica.] 
Hubba hubba hubba. Allow me madam moiselle.

They speed along the tunnel leaving Toontown.

Valiant: 
So how long have you known it was Doom?

Jessica: 
Before poor Marvin Acme was killed he confided in me that Doom 
wanted to get his hands on Toontown and he wouldn't stop at anything.

Valiant: 
So he gave you the will for safe keeping.

Jessica: 
That's what he told me, except when I opened the envelope there 
was only a blank piece of paper inside.

Valiant: 
Huh! A joker till the end.

Benny: 
So where to already? My meter's running.

Jessica: 
I have to find my darling husband. I'm so worried about him.

Valiant: 
Seriously? What do you see in that guy?

Jessica: 
He makes me laugh.

As they leave the tunnel Doom tips a barrel of Dip onto the
road. Benny spins round on it and crashes into a lampost.

Benny: 
Aaaaaaaaahhhhh! I've been dipped! (Crash!)

Valiant and Jessica are sent flying and Benny appears to be dead.

Doom: 
Tsk tsk tsk. What an unfortunate accident. Nothing more treacherous 
than a slippery road and especially when driving in a maniacal Toon 
vehicle.

The weasels drive out of the tunnel and pull up next to Doom.

Smart Ass:
Good work fellas

Doom:
Don't just stand there. Help them. Put them in my car. I think 
they'll enjoy attending the ribbon cutting at the Acme factory.

Smart Ass: 
Come on you mugs.

The Acme factory. Valiant is being frisked by the weasels.

Smart Ass: 
We searched Valiant Boss. The will aint on him.

Doom:
Then frisk the woman!

Greasy:
I'll handle this one... 

Greasy rolls up his sleeve and puts his hand between Jessica's 
breasts. There is a snapping sound and Greasy rapidly withdraws 
his hand with a man trap on it.

Greasy: 
Yaaaggghhh! Yaaaahshamatalla! Yaaggh!

The weasels start laughing.

Valiant: 
Nice booby trap.

Doom wacks Greasy into a pile of boxes spilling false eyes all 
over the floor.

Doom:
Do they have the will or not?

Smart Ass: 
Nah. Just this stupid love letter.

Doom: 
No matter. I doubt if that will is going to show up in the next 15 
minutes anyway.

Valiant: 
What happens in the next fifteen minutes?

Doom: 
Toontown will be legally mine. Lock, stock, and barrel.

Roger drives out of Toontown in Valiant's car which is in bad shape. 
He spins it round to a stop in front of Benny.

Roger: 
Benny! Is that you?

Benny: 
No! It's Shirley Temple! 
[Getting up on his rear wheels and limping across the road.] 
Aah! Ooh! Eee!

Roger: 
Jumping Jeepers. What happened?

Benny: 
Doom grabbed your wife and Valiant and took them to the Acme factory.

Roger: 
The Acme factory? I know where that is. Get in.

Benny: 
Move over Rog. You've done enough driving for one night.

The Acme Factory and Stupid and Wheezy have just broken through
one of the walls. Rays of light shine through and Faint music can 
be heard.

Stupid: 
Er. Toontown's right on the other side of the wall Boss.

Doom: 
You see Mr. Valiant? The successful conclusion of this case draws a 
curtain for my career as a jurist in Toontown. I'm retiring. To take 
a new role in the private sector.

Valiant: 
That wouldn't be Clover Leaf Industries by any chance?

Smart Ass: 
[Waving a gun at Valiant] 
Eh, eh!

Doom: 
You're looking at the sole stock holder.

Roger and Benny pull up outside the Acme Factory.

Roger: 
Benny. You go for the cops. I'm going to save my wife.

Benny: 
Be careful with that gun. This aint no cartoon you know. 
[Driving off.] 
This is no way to make a living.

Roger tries to open one of the windows but it is jammed. He 
leans against it.

Roger: 
Wouldn't you know? Locked.

The window suddenly swings open and Roger falls through.

Roger:
Waaaaaaaggghhaahhaahhaaa!

Inside Roger falls into the toilet and it flushes sucking 
Roger down.

Inside the factory Doom walks up to a large object covered by
tarpauling. He drops a silver tray onto the floor pulls it aside 
and opens a valve releasing a green liquid onto the tray which 
starts to corrode.

Doom:
Can you guess what this is?

Jessica: 
Oh my God It's DIP!

Doom: 
That's right my dear. Enough to dip Toontown of the face of the 
Earth! 
[The cover is removed to reveal a large machine.]
A vehicle of my own design. 5000 Gallons of heated Dip, pumped 
at enourmous velocity through a pressurized water cannon. Toontown
will be erased in a matter of minutes.

Jessica:
I suppose you think no one's going to notice Toontown's dissappeared?

Doom: 
Who's got time to wonder what happened to some ridiculous talking 
mice when you're driving past at 75 m.p.h.?

Jessica: 
What are you talking about? There's no road past Toontown.

Doom: 
Not yet! 
[Starts slipping on the eyes] 
Several months ago I had the good providence to stumble upon a plan
of the city councils. A construction plan of epic proportions. They're 
calling it, a Freeway.

Valiant:
A Freeway? What the hell's a freeway?

Doom: 
Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena. 
Smooth, straight, fast. Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.

Valiant: 
So that's why you killed Acme and Maroon? For this Freeway? You're 
kidding.

Doom:
Of course not. You lack vision. I see a place where people get off 
and on the Freeway. On and off. Off and on. All day, all night. Soon 
where Toontown once stood will be a string of gas stations. Inexpensive 
motels. Restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food. Tyre salons. 
Automobile dealerships. And wonderful, wonderful bill boards reaching 
as far as the eye can see... My god, It'll be beautiful.

Valiant: 
Come on. Nobody's gonna drive this louzy Freeway when they can take the
red car for a nickel.

Doom: 
Oh, they'll drive. They'll have to. You see, I bought the red car so 
I could dismantle it.

There is a rumbling sound and Greasy looks down at the manhole beneath him.

Greasy: 
What the... Aaaaaagggghhh!

The manhole shoots into the air as a geyser of water bursts out 
of it sending Greasy into the air and he clutches onto a net full 
of bricks hung from the ceiling. From the hole comes Roger.

Roger: 
Aaaaaaaaghhhhh! O.K. Nobody move. Alright weasels, grab sky or I let
the Judge have it. You heard me I said drop it.

Jessica: 
Roger! Darling!

Roger:
Yes, it's me my dearest. I'd love to embrase you but first 
I have to satisfy my sense of moral outrage.

Doom: Put that gun down, you buck tooth-ed fool.

Roger:
That's it Doom. Give me another excuse to pump you full of lead. 
Thought you could get away with it didn't you? 

Above Roger Greasy gets out his knife.

Roger: 
Ha! We Toons may act idiotic but we're not stupid. We demand 
justice. Why, the real meaning of the word probably hits you 
like a ton of bricks!

The bricks fall on Roger and Greasy smirks from the net. 

Jessica: 
Roger! Roger, say something.

Roger: 
Look! Stars! Ready when you are Raoul. Hoo hoo hoo.

Doom: 
Tie the love birds together. Put them up on that hook. Use that
escape proof Toon rope.

Psycho: 
I'm gonna kill the rabbit! Heh heh! Eh Heh heh!

Jessica: 
Oh Roger. You were magnificent.

Roger: 
Was I really?

Jessica: 
Better than Goofy.

Greasy starts up the Dip vehicle.

Jessica: 
Roger darling. I want you to know I love you. I've loved you more 
than any woman's ever loved a rabbit.

Doom:
It's over Mr. Valiant 

He walks away whistling and slips on the eyes. The weasels start 
to laugh at this and Valiant tries to sneak up on Smart Ass.

Doom: 
[Clasping his left eye with his hand.]
Look out! You fool!

Smart Ass:
Not so fast.

Doom: 
One of these days you idiots are going to laugh yourselves to death.

Smart Ass: 
Shall I repose of them right now Boss?

Doom: 
Let him watch his Toon friends get dipped then shoot him.

Smart Ass: 
With pleasure.

Valiant: 
Everything's funny to you aint it needle nose?

Smart Ass: You got a problem with that Valiant?

Valiant: 
Nah. I just er, want you to know something about the guy you're gonna dip! [Starts music machine]

Smart Ass: Whhhaaaaaa?

The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down (Reprise)  [ Top ]

Valiant:    
             'Now Roger is his name
             And laughter is his game
             Come on you dope
             Untie his rope 
             And watch him go insane.

Jessica: 
He's lost his mind.

Roger: 
I don't think so...

Valiant:    
            'This singing aint my line
             It's tough to make a rhyme
             If I get stuck
             I'm, I'm outta luck and, and...

Jessica: 
             And I'm running out of time!

Valiant: 
Thanks.

Valiant juggles with some weights and then lets them fall on 
his head. As he staggers backwards he slips on a banana skin 
and falls into some boxes. He emerges bouncing around on a pogo 
stick and bounces so high that his head hits the light and he 
gets electrocuted. Stupid laughs so much that he keels over and 
his ghost leaves his body. Wheezy sees his own ghost leaving and 
tries to pull it back but fails.

Roger: 
Hey Eddie! Keep it up! You're killing them! You're slaying them! 
You're knocking them dead!

A lever is knocked and a vase starts to be carried by a conveyor belt 
to above Valiants head.

Valiant:    
             'I'm tired of taking falls
             I'm bouncing off the walls
             Without that gun
             I'd have some fun
             I'd kick you in the... (Crash)

The vase falls on Valiants head.

Roger: 
Nose!

Smart Ass: 
Nose? That don't rhyme with walls.

Valiant: 
No! But this does.

Valiant kicks Smart Ass between the legs and he flies 
through the air to land in the vat of dip.

Smart Ass: 
Aaaagggggghhhhh!

Only Psycho and Greasy are left and they find Smart Ass's death 
very amusing. So amusing that Greasy dies.

Psycho:
Hee hee!

Roger: 
Yikes! Oh my goodness. Jeepers! That was close.

Psycho laughs so much that he falls of the canon onto the dip coated 
brush at the front.

Psycho: 
Ahhhhh.

As Psycho's ghost floats past the canon he pulls a lever that turns 
it around.

Psycho: 
Bye bye! Hee hee hee!

Eddie hurry! It's coming back. Aaaaahhh! Oh no! This is it... 
[Valiant turns the canon back the other way] 
This isn't it!

Doom Slides across a line to strike Valiant and send him flying. Doom 
draws a sword and Valiant opens a box next to him labelled Singing swords. 
As he waves it at Doom it begins to sing.

Singing Sword: 
                'Wicked Witchcraft,
                And although I know
                It's strictly taboo...

Valiant throws the sword away and opens another box. Inside is a toon 
Magnet and Valiant holds this at Doom. Doom uses the magnetism to pull 
himself closer to Valiant and so Valiant points it away to break the 
contact. The magnetism then pulls a barrel from behind Valiant and he 
ends up pinned between the two.

Doom: 
[Sheathing sword]
Don't move.

Doom reappears driving a sreamroller and he Tries to run over 
Valiant with it. Valiant can't escape by struggling but as the 
steamroller nears he sees boxes of portable holes next to him. 
He eventually manages to kick one close enough for him to open 
and putting it over the magnet makes a hole and escapes.
Valiant appears in front of Doom and kicks him in the face sending 
him flying. He fights Doom but doesn't seem to be able to harm him.
Valiant blocks one of Doom's punches with a pot of glue and Doom's
fist goes straight through it. He shakes it off and tries to punch 
Valiant again but instead gets his fist stuck to the roller. Meanwhile 
the Dip machine is getting closer to Roger and Jessica.

Jessica: 
Oh no!

Doom steps back to try and free himself but treads in a pool of  
the stuff on the floor.
 
Roger:
Come on Eddie. Quit playing around. 

Jessica:
Ooohhhh! 

Roger:
Plplplease!

Valiant stops the Dip machine again.

Roger: 
Hoo hoo! I wasn't worried. Were you?

Doom gets squashed by steamroller.

Doom:
Aah ahh! Whaaaa! 

Roger:
Hey look!

As the steamroller rolls on it reveals Dooms flattened body 
starting to move.

Valiant: 
Holy smoke! He's a toon!

Doom: 
Surprised?

Valiant: 
Not really. That lame-brained freeway idea could only be cooked 
up by a toon.

Doom:
Not just any toon... 

Doom staggers toward a gas cylinder and reinflates himself. As he 
does so his eyes pop out and land on the floor. When he turns round
his eyes are red and he starts to speak in an increasingly high 
pitched voice.

Doom:
Remember me Eddie? When I killed your brother I talked just like this!

Valiant tries to run away but Doom leaps after him with the aid of 
springs in his heels.

Roger:
Jumping jeepers! 

After knocking Valiant down Doom starts up the Dip machine again.

Jessica:
Oh my goodness! Oh no!

Doom takes of his glove to reveal an anvil for a hand. He strikes 
Valiant with this and sends him flying across the factory 
floor. Doom turns around and when he turns back his hand has become
a buzz saw on the end of an extendable arm. Doom shows off 
his power by slicing through some chains and then jabs it at Valiants
head, narrowly missing twice. Valiant as a last attempt grabs the 
boxing glove mallet and aims it at Doom but he easily avoids it. The 
glove however strikes a lever on the Dip macine and Doom stares in 
terror at the resulting jet of Dip that sends him flying. The dip is 
also getting extremely close to Roger and Jessica. 

Jessica:
Goodbye my darling. Good bye. Ahh! Oh! 

The level of Dip in the machine runs out and so the jet of dip from 
the canon dies out.

Jessica:
I think, I'm going to faint.

Doom is standing in a pool of dip and is slowly dissolving.

Doom:
Waaaaaaaaahh! Waahhhhhhh! I'm melting! Melting..,melting...

Doom is dead but the Dip machine is still rolling steadily towards 
Roger and Jessica.

Roger:
Eddie! Do something! Hurry up Eddie! Don't calm down!

Valiant presses a button and the hook is moved out of the way of 
the encroaching Dip machine. It goes through the factory wall and
is hit by a train in toon town.

Roger:
Eddie! There's dip everywhere! How are we gonna get down?

Valiant clears the dip with the water hydrants.

Roger:
[As Valiant is untying them]
Jeepers Eddie! That was a close shave. I thought for sure our goose
was cooked!

Jessica:
Oh! My hero. 
[Walks past Valiant]
Oh honey bunny.

Roger: 
Oh love cap.

Jessica: 
(X X X X) Oh Roger. You were a pillar of strength.

Benny and the police arrive. 

Benny: 
Sister Mary Francis! What the hell happened in here?

Toons start to peer around the hole in the wall.

Benny: 
I've been a cab for 37 years and I've never seen a mess like this.

Delores: 
What was that? A rubber mask?

Valiant: 
Yeah. And this is the rope from the safe that was dropped on Acme. 
I think your lab boys will find that paint's a perfect match.

Santino: 
Judge Doom killed Marvin Acme...

Valiant: 
And R. K. Maroon, and my brother.

Dolores takes Valiants hand.

Santino:
That's what I call one seriously disturbed toon.

Toons start ewmerging from toon town through the hole in the wall.

Mickey: 
Aha! I wonder who he really was. Aha!

Bugs: 
I'll tell you one thing Doc. He weren't no rabbit!

Daffy: 
Or a duck!

Goofy: 
Or a dog.

Pinnochio: 
Or a wooden boy.

Wolf: 
Or a sheep.

Woody: 
Or a woodpecker.

Sylvester: 
Or a pussy.

Woody: 
Uh huh huh heh ha! Uh huh huh heh ha! Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh!

Dolores: 
What is that?

Valiant: 
It's ink. That goof Acme squirted me with some the other night. But 
why it's coming out now I don't know.

Roger: 
[Holding bottle] 
Here's your answer Eddie! Acme's dissappearing... reappearing ink! 
Boy, that Acme. What a genius!

B.Herman: 
Apple sauce. If he was such a genius why didn't he leave his will 
where we could find it? Without it we're just waiting for another 
developer's wrecking ball.

Valiant: 
Roger.

Roger: 
Yeah...

Valiant: 
That love letter that you wrote to your wife in the Ink and Paint 
Club. Why don't you read it to her now?

Roger: 
Sure Eddie. 'Dear Jessica. How do I love thee. Let me count the ways... 
[Words start appearing on the letter] 
I Marvin Acme? Of sound mind and body?... It's the will! ...do hereby 
bequeath in perpetuity the property known as Toontown to those loveable
characters the toons! Hoo hoo hoo!

General celebration.

Roger: 
Hey Eddie. That was a pretty funny dance you did for the weasels. Do you 
think your days of being a sourpuss are over?

Valiant: 
Only time will tell.

Roger: 
Yeah, well, put it there pal. (Zzzzt) 

Valiant does not seem tp pleased by the joke and all the toons are silent.

Roger:
(Gulp) Don't tell me you lost your sense of humour already.

Valiant: 
Does this answer your question.

Valiant grabs Roger by the neck and gives him a big kiss.

Roger: 
Yech! Hoo hoo hoo!

Jessica: 
Come on Roger. Let's go home. I'll bake you a carrot cake.

Roger: 
Ahoo hoo...!

Roger, Jessica, Valiant and Dolores start walking toward Toontown 
through the hole in the wall.

Smile Darn Ya Smile / That's All Folks  [ Top ]

Toons:    
           'Smile Darn ya smile,
           You know this old world 
           Is a great world after all.
           Smile Darn ya smile
           And right away
           Watch Lady Luck
           Pay you a call
           Things are never black
           As they are painted
           Time for you and joy
           To get aquainted
           Make life worthwhile
           So, Smile, Darn you smile! 

Porky: 
O.K. Mova-mova-Move-along. Th-th-There's nothing else to see. 
That's all folks. 
Hmmmm... I like th-the sound of that.
 
           Th-th-th-that's all folks!

                          
            THE END